I write when I am elated. I write when I am angry….I write when I am sad. I write when I am horrified……Today I am shattered. My kids are all in bed…..I am processing this horrific evil thing that has happened, but earlier today I was just Mom. The mom that barks orders. The mom that wrestles over stimulated, nap avoiding children. The mom that just wanted it to all be OK.
This morning I was happily editing the pix from last night’s impromptu shoot in front of our lit Christmas tree……I anxiously posted one on Facebook for feedback as I intend to offer it as an option next year for Christmas Shoots. The feedback was great……awesome in fact. Then I read the paper….saw that “Guess How Much I Love You” was at WAC tonight…I had wanted to go…so got online and ordered tickets for us all to go. Little did I know what an absolute Godsend that 1.5 hrs would be tonight at WAC. That 1.5 hrs kept me busy for a full 4 hours today in all. I could just be the nagging mom getting everyone ready to go to the theater. I could just be the mom getting pizza for everyone for a fun dinner. I could just be regular old mommy. I would not have to be focusing on this shattering evil news. My place in this world, my children, my home ~ we were safe….WE WERE OK.
I went on about my day….Donald came home, I left to run an errand, Donald left at noon for his guy’s birthday weekend trip and I checked my facebook…..IMMEDIATELY TURNED THE TV ON……watched in horror and cried…..turned it off….put the babies down for nap…..turned it back on……cried more…..I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS HEARING. How could someone shoot innocent children? How could someone kill his own mother? HOW???
In a crisis such as this- i would classify this as ranking with 911, Columbine, the Amish schoolhouse shooting, I would classify this as ranking with the theater shooting in Colorado…THIS IS A CRISIS….and when such an evil thing occurs NOT IF anymore, but when….my gut instinct is to immediately pack my family up and literally head for the hills of my home place in rural Madison County. My gut says I can home school, my gut says I can KEEP THEM SAFE….but I KNOW that is not reasonable….I know that I cannot keep them from the world. I know that God is with them ALWAYS. I believe that God is always with us….today and days like those I mentioned above in our recent past shake that faith. I have to be honest. I have prayed and cried and prayed some more. I know I KNOW I KNOW that this was an evil act meant to shake my faith and the faith of our nation. What is worse than striking the hearts of mothers and fathers? What is worse than taking the most innocent of lives? What is worse than someone looking their own mother in the face and shooting her in cold blood? It is unimaginable to me. It is horrific to me. It is shattering.
This flash of evil is not a flash any longer. It is a lingering open wound.
Do NOT lose faith. Do NOT let this harden your heart. Open your heart and feel every moment. Open your heart and hold your children close. Pray over your children. Pray with your children. Be honest with them. There is evil in the world but God is and always will be with them. Even if it is hard to believe that today. Reach out to a child that seems lonely. You may be the one person in the world that makes the difference to them.
Praying tonight and continuing to hold these families in my heart, my heavy shattered heart.
Praying prayers of thankfulness to God for the bravery of the teachers in that school today.
Kissing my children at home tonight and watching them sleep, innocently sleep another night. The world and all of this horror will still be there tomorrow. I will be the same old Mom~I will nag, I will redirect, I will correct. I WILL SIT AND LISTEN. I WILL leave the TV off. I WILL BE PRESENT. I WILL THANK GOD FOR ANOTHER DAY WITH MY LOVED ONES.